Dilemma

This might not interest you much, but I want to share a littlebit about faith/trust in God. I don’t think I ever wrote in here about this journey of faith that God has taken me on. I must say that I never really considered it a “journey” since two days or so.

After spending two years at bible school, and three years working, last fall I believed it was time for me to start university. I had put the idea aside too many times, wanting everything to be somewhat perfect, knowing where to study, where to live and have pretty much all the money I’d need. But I was tired of this attitude of mine and since I knew God was pushing me to go to university, I’d start in the fall of 2006. Not knowing where or how or anything. I simply told God I wanted to respond with faith to His calling. I guess because of ignorance and laziness I applied quickly to two universities at the end of January, beginning of February, when deadline was March 1st, which is not that bad.
Already at that time, I felt like this whole thing wouldn’t work out. And my attitude was more like “whatever”. Then I got refused to two programs in the other university and really I was sure I’d be refused to my other program.
In the meantime some of my friends invited me to move in with them this summer. It sounded just perfect for me, since I was not going to university; I needed somewhere to live, something to do. Then God struck me, telling me that I needed to live by faith and not lean on my own understanding, my own “second plan” if living by faith didn’t work. I was actually getting excited about moving in with my friends in the summer. But what I feared –but thought it’d be impossible to happen- happened. I got a letter from the university, asking me to come in for a test, meaning that I was not refused for the program I wanted more than all the others, and had a chance to maybe get in.

I say that this, maybe getting accepted in university, is something I feared. Because I thought that the idea of moving with friends was good and safe. It did not require much (or any) faith in God. My test is in August. My friends are moving at the same time, in a city about two hours away from the university. It means that I must choose between trying to get in the program, or say no and move with my friends. One shuts the door for the other.
I want to be safe. What if I try the tests and fail (which could happen easily)? I’ll find myself back in Quebec without knowing what to do and where to live.

But it seems to me that God has a sarcastic smile on His face, telling me, “Gabe you started it. You said you’d do it by faith when you first applied.” So He expects me to continue to trust Him. I laugh too. Not really enthusiastic about this idea of His to put me in such a “cross-road” or “dead-end” so I’d choose to live by sight, or by faith. Did I just write this last phrase? I am a witness against myself if I drop my trust in God to live in “safety”.

I thought my faith journey started in the fall 2005 and burned out in the beginning of 2006. Seems like God is still in the boat and I, on the shore. Why am I on shore? I didn’t think it’d work and forgot the wonders God literally works, not only in the Old Testament times, but in my own little life. It’s scary to think that I am getting back on this journey because it is so uncertain in my eyes. But at the same time, I feel that God has something in store for those who trust Him. I hate trusting God and I so love it. It is so scary but it is so blessed.

Please pray for me as I desire to do what God calls me to.

BANK FOR NATIVE MISSIONARIES: Money was sent yesterday, April 28. Please consider giving a buck or two this coming month, I’d encourage you to read Gibbons’ blog www.randomnesssignedgibbons.blogspot.com as she tells about her idea about how to save a littlebit of money. That’s encouraging. Thank you to all who gave.